Dear Heather,

I feel like I should be spending less money now due to all the hub-bub about the economic “crisis”, but everything I know about the law of attraction tells me that to get it to flow, I’ve got to be spending – like attracts like!

J.G.

Dear J.G.,

This is such a phenomenal question – thank you for sending it in. It seems like everywhere we turn, there’s bad news – the sky is falling, the sky is falling! People are constricting their wallets and businesses are responding in kind. It then becomes a vicious cycle with everyone blaming everyone else for the alleged mess. However, what really matters is not who’s to blame, but how we can each take personal responsibility for our economic standing and choose differently.

Should’s tend to position us as the victim of what someone else is doing. Someone else thinks we should be thinner, we should spend less money, we should parent our children better, we should be fearful about the economy, etc.

Should’s completely disempower us! They take away our natural ability to choose what is best for ourselves (because we are, in fact, the only ones who know what is best for us) and instead places them in the hands of society, our culture at large, or our friends and family.

So, J.G., do YOU think you need to spend less money? Try this:

-Go to your favorite room in your house.

-Sit in a comfortable position.

-Close your eyes.

-Breathe deeply through your belly, in and out.

-Ask yourself: Do I really need to spend less money?

-Listen for a response.

-Observe the way your body responds to it

-Does it feel good or does it feel bad?

-If it feels bad, try focusing in on what would make you feel good.

-Honor that.

About Heather Strang:

Heather Strang is a writer and success coach passionate about conscious living. Her writing has appeared in national blogs, books and a host of print and online publications including The Twenty-Something Manifesto, Women’s eNews, NicoleWilliams.com, Amaze magazine, White Apricot, The Oregonian, Portland Tribune, NW Women’s Journal and many others. She also writes the highly visible Eat Wheat-Free, Dairy-Free and Low Sugar blog for women seeking healthy food alternatives. When she’s not writing, you’ll find Heather meditating on the beach, creating new recipes and exploring the possibilities of the universe.

Dear Heather,

How do I find enough love in the moment, in order to rise above total and complete irritation/misanthropy? Sometimes I want to beat people up. Help!

-S.O.

Dear S.O.,

Take a deep breath sista! While it may appear that people are irritating and need to be beaten with a stick, in truth, that’s just a manifestation of your ego placing others as separate from you. Trust me; I know it can be difficult, especially when you’re getting cut off in traffic. But in order to live consciously you must connect with the love within yourself. And then spread it to every person you meet.

So how do you find this love, you ask?

First, connect with the love you have for yourself; it can make things a lot easier when you need to conjure it up in an aggravating moment. Remember, we are all just people. Follow the recommendations below to feel the love, even in the most irritating of moments:

Write three things you love about yourself. Every day. Go to a mirror, read them out loud and finish it with, “I love you S.O.” I know it will feel uber cheesy at first, but this practice works. Within 6 months of doing this practice daily, my self-esteem significantly improved. I stopped focusing on the things I didn’t like about myself and was drawn to the beautiful parts of who I am. It works!

Watch Kundun, a movie about the Dalai Lama’s life. It illustrates what true love and compassion looks like. For the Chinese government, no less – not an easy task.

Meditation will connect you to your true self, and thus bring out the love. Try Jack Kornfield’s Meditation for Beginners, or do this simple exercise – this works particularly well when faced with a perturbing situation:

-Begin breathing deeply from your belly.

-Close your eyes (if you can).

-Imagine that every thought coming into your head is a leaf floating gently down a     river.

-Breathe into each thought that comes up, and scatter it down the river.

-Continue doing this until you feel calm.

If you can implement these three conscious living action items, you will immediately begin to feel the love. For yourself and your fellow man. I promise.

Much love,

Heather

About Heather Strang:

Heather Strang is a writer and success coach passionate about conscious living. Her writing has appeared in national blogs, books and a host of print and online publications including The Twenty-Something Manifesto, Women’s eNews, NicoleWilliams.com, Amaze magazine, White Apricot, The Oregonian, Portland Tribune, NW Women’s Journal and many others. She also writes the highly visible Eat Wheat-Free, Dairy-Free and Low Sugar blog for women seeking healthy food alternatives. When she’s not writing, you’ll find Heather meditating on the beach, creating new recipes and exploring the possibilities of the universe.

Heather Strang Debuts Anatomy of the Heart, featuring more than 45 poems chronicling one woman’s journey with love. Walk with her through the beginning stages of love, sink into the depths of the experience, reminisce over lost love and join in the heartache of desiring a former lover. You’ll also uncover the surprising similarities between the physical heart and the emotional one. The two work together like mirrors, showing us all we need to know about love and ourselves. Ultimately, Anatomy of the Heart brings us back to one core truth: true love is a process occurring within each one of us. Love is not an experience happening out there but rather it is an experience we’re having inside of ourselves, in our bodies and in our hearts. To have loved – for even a moment – is a beautiful process regardless of the outcome.

Available at Amazon.com

Heather Strang is a writer and success coach passionate about conscious living. Her writing has appeared in blogs, books and a host of print and online publications, including 20-Something Manifesto, Women’s eNews, The Oregonian, Amaze Magazine, NW Women’s Journal and many others. In addition, Heather coaches individuals and teaches workshops on a variety of conscious living topics. When she’s not writing, you’ll find Heather meditating on the beach in Kauai, creating new recipes and exploring the possibilities of the Universe. To learn more, visit: www.HeatherStrang.com.

Dear Heather,

Dear S.O.,

Take a deep breath sista! While it may appear that people are irritating and need to be beaten with a stick, in truth, that’s just a manifestation of your ego placing others as separate from you. Trust me; I know it can be difficult, especially when you’re getting cut off in traffic. But in order to live consciously you must connect with the love within yourself. And then spread it to every person you meet.

So how do you find this love, you ask?

First, connect with the love you have for yourself; it can make things a lot easier when you need to conjure it up in an aggravating moment. Remember, we are all just people. Follow the recommendations below to feel the love, even in the most irritating of moments:

Write three things you love about yourself. Every day. Go to a mirror, read them out loud and finish it with, “I love you S.O.” I know it will feel uber cheesy at first, but this practice works. Within 6 months of doing this practice daily, my self-esteem significantly improved. I stopped focusing on the things I didn’t like about myself and was drawn to the beautiful parts of who I am. It works!

Watch Kundun, a movie about the Dalai Lama’s life. It illustrates what true love and compassion looks like. For the Chinese government, no less – not an easy task.

Meditation will connect you to your true self, and thus bring out the love. Try Jack Kornfield’s Meditation for Beginners, or do this simple exercise – this works particularly well when faced with a perturbing situation:

-Begin breathing deeply from your belly.
-Close your eyes (if you can).
-Imagine that every thought coming into your head is a leaf floating gently down a     river.
-Breathe into each thought that comes up, and scatter it down the river.
-Continue doing this until you feel calm.

If you can implement these three conscious living action items, you will immediately begin to feel the love. For yourself and your fellow man. I promise.

Much love,
Heather

Heather Strang, and co-author Brooke Emery, wrote the upcoming book Stop Shoulding On Yourself! A Woman’s Guide From Obligation to Inspiration. The book encourages women to live from an authentic and should-free space.

Dear J.G.,

This is such a phenomenal question – thank you for sending it in. It seems like everywhere we turn, there’s bad news – the sky is falling, the sky is falling! People are constricting their wallets and businesses are responding in kind. It then becomes a vicious cycle with everyone blaming everyone else for the alleged mess. However, what really matters is not who’s to blame, but how we can each take personal responsibility for our economic standing and choose differently.

Should’s tend to position us as the victim of what someone else is doing. Someone else thinks we should be thinner, we should spend less money, we should parent our children better, we should be fearful about the economy, etc.

Should’s completely disempower us! They take away our natural ability to choose what is best for ourselves (because we are, in fact, the only ones who know what is best for us) and instead places them in the hands of society, our culture at large, or our friends and family.

So, J.G., do YOU think you need to spend less money? Try this:

-Go to your favorite room in your house.
-Sit in a comfortable position.
-Close your eyes.
-Breathe deeply through your belly, in and out.
-Ask yourself: Do I really need to spend less money?
-Listen for a response.
-Observe the way your body responds to it
-Does it feel good or does it feel bad?
-If it feels bad, try focusing in on what would make you feel good.
-Honor that.

Heather Strang, and co-author Brooke Emery, wrote the upcoming book Stop Shoulding On Yourself! A Woman’s Guide From Obligation to Inspiration. The book encourages women to live from an authentic and should-free space.

Dear A.M.,

You’re certainly not alone–I can’t tell you how many women I talk to about this very thing on a regular basis! With pressure from family, friends and our culture at large, it can be nearly impossible to figure out exactly what we want for ourselves. Do we want children because everyone else says we should or does it stem from an authentic and strong desire to raise a child?

Parenting, or whether or not to parent, can be one of the biggest areas of our lives filled with should’s. I recently saw famous authors Elizabeth Gilbert (http://www.elizabethgilbert.com) and Ann Patchett (http://www.annpatchett.com) at a Portland Literary Arts event. Both women were absolutely transparent about their desire to not have children. They don’t make excuses for their choice, but simply say it’s not for them. Talk about should-free living! Many women have been shamed for the very whisper of not wanting to have children.

One of our featured women in Stop Shoulding On Youself!, Aleta St. James (http://www.aletastjames.com), had this to say about whether or not to parent, “It is very important for you as a woman to feel that it is the exact right time for you to enter motherhood. Having a child/children is a very selfless all-encompassing choice, even though for most women in today’s economy it is a double income household…My personal and professional experience helping women become pregnant seems to attest to the fact that once they do and they feel that they have reached their potential in their career, it is easier for them to settle into motherhood and balance both factors.”

But the real answer doesn’t lie in what I think or anyone else thinks–it’s about what you feel is the course to take that will serve your highest good and bring you and your spouse the most happiness.

Whenever I, or my clients, come up against situations that leave them feeling scattered, along with a mountainous list of should’s, I have them do the following to shake off any icky energy and to step fully into their most authentic choice.

1) Go with the Flow

What is the flow of your life bringing you right now? It sounds like your career is continuing to rise in both responsibility and satisfaction (and if you love your work – CONGRATS – having a passion-filled career is such an amazing accomplishment!). In addition, you’re married to a man who is excited about making a baby with you and with whom you’re sharing your life. You have so much to be grateful for!

Write a list of all the things that you are grateful for. Feel the gratitude for this incredible life experience that you are now having. Spend as much time as you would like in this space; it can be a day, a week or a month. The important thing is that you’re feeling gratitude, and flowing with the way your life currently is.

2) Explore the Possibilities

Once you’re firmly planted in gratitude for where you’re currently at in your life, you can begin to explore some of the other possibilities that you may want to bring into your experience.

Make a list of women you know who have careers and/or children. Reach out to them to discuss how parenting has affected their life. Better yet, spend time with them, while they’re with their children. Or start asking random women you know about their journey with motherhood.

3) Feel Your Feelings

Pay attention to how you feel when exploring these possibilities. Does the thought of having a baby get you excited? Do your eyes well up with tears and does your heart fill with love? Follow whatever feelings come up and then think about the ways it would be possible to continue in the career you love while also caring for a child. If thinking about having a child right now feels fearful or scary, follow that feeling–where is the fear coming from? Allow yourself to observe how these feelings are manifesting within you. Spend time journaling about these feelings as a way to release them.

Then, take a break from pondering the solution. Nothing makes us crazier than trying to force a decision. Take at least three nights to just BE yourself and have fun. Immerse yourself in whatever you LOVE to do. It doesn’t matter what it is, it only matters that you love it. After the three days, come back to feeling gratitude for your life and see how you feel about baby-making. If your energy feels high around it (before your brain can come up with reasons not to take any particular action), begin to create a plan for how you can move forward.

Parenting may or may not be ideal for you right now. But, only you can know the answer to that question. And you can only know by giving yourself the space, resources and love you need to make a decision that is totally should-free and completely authentic.

Much love & blessings,
Heather 

Have a question about this topic or any other?  Next month, we’ll be focusing on Money. Send your questions to:  heather@heatherstrang.com.

Heather Strang, and co-author Brooke Emery, wrote the upcoming book Stop Shoulding On Yourself! A Woman’s Guide From Obligation to Inspiration. The book encourages women to live from an authentic and should-free space.

A.G

Dear A.G.,

Thank you for this fantastic question. It can be confusing navigating the waters of intimacy. Our culture may boast total sexual liberation, but how that manifests can be different for everyone. What’s important is that you attract a partner that wants the same type of relationship you do, whether it’s a friends with benefits scenario or a monogamous, long-term partnership.

Sex can be a tricky thing, because it does, after all, involve two human beings. We’re talking about two individuals who have very different perspectives, needs and thoughts. Put them together in one of the most intimate acts available and you’ve got an ocean of emotions, thoughts, perspectives and feelings happening all at one time.

And we haven’t even addressed the spiritual implications of coming together with another sexually. Each time you come together sexually, you are co-creating in the spirit realm. Sex is a very powerful connector and it’s important to be conscious of this before, during and after.

For our purposes though, let’s keep it simple.

First, get clear about what type of relationship you truly want. It sounds like you may like a friend with benefits to keep you company until the long-term partner shows up. If that’s the case, write out what your perfect friend with benefits looks like, and be sure to include the fact that he’s fine with the arrangement and remains blissfully detached, as do you.

Then, write out exactly what type of long-term partner you want to attract. Be as specific as possible. Pay attention to which list you have more trouble writing and what types of feelings are coming over you as you’re writing each list.

By doing this exercise you may realize one of two things: 

1) You are absolutely excited while writing both lists, and can’t wait for the Universe to send you the ideal friend with benefits until your long-term partner shows up.

2) You don’t really want a friend with benefits, even though it feels like something a liberated single woman should do. (Who hasn’t watched Sex & the City and wished they could be as sexually free as Samantha?!)  Despite feeling that we as independent women should have these types of relationships, they don’t always feel good for everyone.

Another option is to begin researching human relationships and sexuality. One author I highly recommend is David Deida (http://www.deida.info/). I was particularly affected by his books Intimate Communion and Dear Lover. Both offer a glimpse into the core nature of men and women, as well as our true intimate desires.

Regardless of your choice, don’t beat yourself up. Maybe it isn’t perfect for you to have sex with someone you aren’t in a relationship with. Or maybe it feels fabulous and you love it. Either way, be sure that the choice you’re making is should-free. It needs to feel absolutely in alignment with who you are, in order for you to be living from your most authentic place.

So, forget about Sex & the City, your friends, Western society, the media, your parents or co-workers. What they think you should do doesn’t matter. What does matter is your commitment to living a life that fully honors the incredible, beautiful and intelligent woman that you are.

Much love to you!
Heather 

Have a question about this topic or any other?  Next month, we’ll be focusing on Parenting. Send your questions to:  heather@heatherstrang.com.

Heather Strang, and co-author Brooke Emery, wrote the upcoming book Stop Shoulding On Yourself! A Woman’s Guide From Obligation to Inspiration. The book encourages women to live from an authentic and should-free space.

Dear J.P.,

This is a fantastic question, particularly around this time of year when so much of the focus is on losing weight and being thin. As women, our weight is often a huge should, surrounded by additional should’s about what we should eat and how much, as well as what kind of exercise we should do and how long we should exercise for.

But, ultimately, J.P., you and your body already know the answer to this question: you need to stop shoulding on yourself! Being healthy is important, but so is honoring what your body is telling you. If it’s repeatedly staying at the same weight (despite your damnedest intentions), then that’s probably a good indicator that it’s the healthiest weight for you. Of course, I’m not a doctor, so be sure to get proper medical attention if you feel that may be the root cause. It’s easy to get caught up in what weight we “should” be, based on medical charts created by middle-aged white men or by looking through magazines that depict airbrushed women who are disgustingly thin.

What your body (and all of our bodies, for that matter) needs is some tender loving care. Only give it what it wants. Here are some ideas for caring for your body, without shoulding on it. And, as always, only follow what resonates the most with you.

-Write a list of activities that your body enjoys. Be on the lookout for any should’s–does your body really love running? Only write down what you enjoy and feels the best for your body. Follow-up by engaging in some of these activities everyday, for whatever length of time it feels good to do so.

-Throw out magazines that feature unrealistic images of women’s bodies. Turn off television programs that feature the same.

-Stand naked in front of a full-length mirror and tell your body what you appreciate about it. Tell your belly how much you love it and give props to your amazing thighs.

-Only eat food that your body responds well to and enjoys. Pay attention to how you feel during and after you eat. Make note of what your body responds well too and what makes you feel bad. Stay away from “should’s” around what’s “right” or “wrong” for you to eat–as these often change.

-Bless your food before you eat it. Thank it for the contribution it’s making to your health.

-Engage in positive self-talk. Every time you look in the mirror, mentally (or out loud) note something beautiful about yourself. Be aware when you are absorbed in negative self-talk. Replace any negative comments with positive ones.

-Pamper your body. Get regular massages, pedicures, body wraps–or whatever you’re most attracted too. Bonus: it’s also good for your soul too.

Above all, remember to have FUN! This is the one body you have for this life, so enjoy it. Be good to it and honor what feels best, and watch how it responds. The ironic thing is, when we let go of the “should’s”, it frees up the space for our truth to come in. When you let go of needing to push your body to be thinner, you will not only feel better, but your body will be oh so good to you.

Much love & blessings,
Heather

Have a question about this topic or any other?  Send your questions to:  heather@heatherstrang.com.

Heather Strang, and co-author Brooke Emery, wrote the upcoming book Stop Shoulding On Yourself! A Woman’s Guide From Obligation to Inspiration. The book encourages women to live from an authentic and should-free space.

L.B

Dear L.B.,

Those “guru’s” sure do hand out a lot of should’s don’t they? The financial should’s can get pretty complicated with all the rules about what you should and shouldn’t do. What is important, L.B. is that you feel that the choices you make regarding your financial situation are based on what feels right for you. And if you don’t feel like you know what’s right for you, you can reach out to resources you feel drawn to and that will allow you to make the most authentic decisions.

For you, that could mean connecting with a financial advisor who could educate you on a specific area around money and abundance. Or you could pick up books on financial management–ones you feel drawn to, of course–that will allow you to decide if you need to have 6 months worth of cash stashed away, in addition to paying off all your debt.

It’s simply essential that you follow what feels best for you–whether it’s reaching out to advisors or connecting with other resources like books, workshops and classes.

In addition, I highly recommend the following ladies in the area of money. They look at money from an abundance perspective and teach you how to make choices that resonate the most deeply with you:

-Lynne Twist, The Soul of Money Institute www.soulofmoney.org
-Chellie Campbell, The Wealthy Spirit & Zero to Zillionaire www.chellie.com

Another important aspect of living a should-free life is embracing the abundance that you already possess. There’s no need to buy into the fear about rough economic times or the belief that you must/do live “pay check to pay check”. While on the outside these may feel like stark realities, in truth, our beliefs about our economic standing will create our external reality. So, why not choose rich, good-feeling thoughts?! Here are some tips for claiming your truest, most abundant life:

-Create an abundance affirmation (The Wealthy Spirit by Chellie Campbell is chock full of these). Make sure it’s something that feels good to you. Examples:

“I am surrounded by total abundance. When I spend money, immediately more comes rushing back to me. My bank account and investments are overflowing with good fortune.” 

“I always have an abundance of money in my life. I buy whatever I need, with plenty leftover for savings and fun.”

-Honor the abundance mentality by bringing it into your home or office with feng shui. (http://10kblessingsfengshui.com/) The top left corner of your desk is your prosperity center, so place a plant there along with anything else that symbolizes abundance to you (for me it’s a laughing, fat Buddha and a red envelope with my intentions/affirmations of abundance).

-Create intentions about the amount of abundance you want in your life. Be sure to state these only in the positive. Intend how much money you’ll make next month, next year and 5 years from now. Intend the balances of your savings and investment accounts. Intend the vacations you’ll take each year (and go ahead and include the 5-star hotel you’ll stay at). Have fun with this and don’t self-edit. The sky is the limit!

-Watch what you say when talking with others about the economy or your own financial situation. Eliminate words from your vocabulary such as “pay check to pay check”, “economic downturn”, “debt”, etc. When you talk about money or what you will spend money on, speak about it only in the positive. Instead of saying, “I can’t afford that”, say, “I’m choosing to spend my money on other things right now” (this is actual truth, after all!).

Utilizing some of these simple tips into your life can help transform your experience with money into a more positive, abundant one. Before you know it, you won’t have to worry about whether to save 6 months worth of cash or pay off your balances–it will all be done!

Wishing you much continued abundance and joy,
Heather

Have a question about this topic or any other? Next month we’ll focus on the should’s surrounding your HEALTH. Send your questions to:  heather@heatherstrang.com.

Heather Strang, and co-author Brooke Emery, wrote the upcoming book Stop Shoulding On Yourself! A Woman’s Guide From Obligation to Inspiration. The book encourages women to live from an authentic and should-free space.

I’m on a limited income, but want to save for Graduate School and for GMAT classes, but don’t really have disposable income remaining once bills/rent, etc. are paid for. Any advice? E.K.

Dear E.K.,

Congratulations on your desire to continue your education through graduate school! Enriching your life through an education can be one of the many rewarding ways we spend our money.

But first, start by exploring why you want to attend graduate school. Is there a specific career that you’ve always dreamed of doing that requires it? Has it simply been a lifelong dream to receive your Master’s degree? Or do you feel pressure from family, friends or coworkers to get a higher degree? Whatever it may be, the goal is to unearth any should’s that could be lingering in this desire to attend grad school.

-Write out all the reasons why you WANT to go to grad school.

-Then, write all the reasons why you DON’T want to go.

-Take a good look at it. Are those your reasons or someone else’s?

-Go over your list with a close and trusted friend or family member (one who is living a fairly should-free life, of course). Ask for any other items that might be missing from your list. But, wait–before you add them; make sure they completely resonate with you.

-Write about your dream job–what does it look like? Where is it located? Does it absolutely require a master’s degree?

If you feel 100% certain that your desire to go to grad school is solely yours and that your dream job requires it, then you’re ready to dive into applying and paying for it.

Another “should” that seems to be operating under the scenes for you, E.K., is the belief that graduate school should cost more money than you can afford. What if you imagined that graduate school was absolutely in your budget?

It can be easy to get caught up in the “should” that attaining seemingly expensive items is out of reach, or at least very difficult. With the current economic climate, it’s become “all the rage” to treat money as a limited source, rather than realizing that our very beliefs about the state of the economy affect it. If you truly believe there is not enough money for graduate school, then there won’t be.

I suggest exploring some ideas that will allow you to transcend this belief. 

-Explore scholarship and graduate assistantship opportunities. Find ones that fit your qualifications. Apply!

-Talk to graduate professors at the university of your choice. Get the inside scoop on opportunities to work at the university or on ways that other students have paid for their education.

-Check out books from the library about how to attend college at a discounted rate. Try Cash for Grad School by Philip Mckee or Paying for Graduate School Without Going Broke by Princeton Review.

-Start stashing cash for your dream. You can begin by filling a jar with change or cut back on your cell phone plan and start saving that money. Put it in an account with ING Direct or another online institution that pays higher interest rates than traditional banks.

-Visualize yourself attending the graduate school of your choice. See and feel yourself there. What classes will you take? What kinds of friends will you make? What will you wear? Place yourself there. Get a logo from the school of your choice and put it up somewhere you can see everyday.

Believe that you can have this, E.K, if you really want it. Don’t allow negative or false beliefs about money to keep you from your dream. You are worth far more than that!

Much love & blessings,
Heather

Have a question about this topic or any other? Next month we’ll focus on the should’s surrounding your MONEY. Send your questions to:  heather@heatherstrang.com.