If we are willing to listen, I believe that there are earth angels with messages to help guide us on our journey through life. I have not written an article in a long time but lately I have been hearing the same theme: write. The last few years have been challenging on a personal level and every time I tried to express myself through the written word, all my thoughts came out with so much anger. My lack of forgiveness surrounding my divorce feels as if poison was coursing through my veins and seeping out my fingertips as they hit the keyboard. I am an empowerment writer rendered powerless by my own anger. I let my emotional pain rob me of my belief in myself thus stopping my voice and creative expression. Unfortunately, my behavior is common. How often do people stop themselves from showing up in life because of feelings of not being enough? Wrapping excuses around us like a protective mantel, it is easy to play small.
A very wise acting teacher of mine in Manhattan said, “Sometimes we do our best work when we are sick or tired and feel that we can not go on,” when I found myself with a fever of 101 the evening of a performance. She went on to explain that our defenses are down and the actor is more accessible to the moments of life. She was correct as that evening my acting felt like flying on stage. Hiding away these past few years, I forgot that all my feelings of betrayal and abandonment only make me a richer person in the human experience. The hurt has burned away ego and allowed more clarity and perspective of my priorities: namely, the health and happiness of my little son and the life I build for us. Just like my stage experience, the depth of my vulnerability contributes to increased accessibility and sharing real moments with my fellow human being. I understand the universal experience of loss in a more profound manner because I have experienced it.
Our worth is not contingent upon being perfect, whole and painless. Private tapes play in our minds, “If I lose 20 lbs then I am worthy of love. If my bank account grows then I will feel safe enough to change jobs. If I work on myself a little more then I will be ready.” I propose that it is not about getting rid of the wounded parts that make us feel not good enough but transmuting the disappointments into the richness and humanity in our soul. Imperfect human experiences can lead us to perfect imperfection of heart and mind. Drop the excuses and let yourself out of the self-imposed prison to really live your life fully.